


Dawn Is A Feeling

by WorldsJunk



Series: Midnight Blues [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Developing Relationship, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Face-Fucking, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Humor, Intercrural Sex, Jealousy, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Love, Oral Sex, Pining, Porn with Feelings, Rimming, Romance, Sexual Tension, Sleeping Together, again tags making it sound a lot more kinky than it is they are just very into their lovemaking, lots of feelings, mentioned past taekai, slightly future fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 02:25:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13824516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WorldsJunk/pseuds/WorldsJunk
Summary: "you said it first" Minseok says, plays gently with his hair and sighs "you are brave, you always say things first"Jongin looks up at his face, wanting to see in the dark "what do you mean?""you know" Minseok says, like a wave, crashing.





	Dawn Is A Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> This is super self indulgent and an overlapping sequel of sorts to Midnight Blues. Annex? Extension? Plus? Further proof that inspiration never works according to my plans. 
> 
> I suppose you don't have to read that one first to enjoy this one, you'll just miss out on some emotional buildup that got them here.

 

Minseok starts eventually and little by little doing Jongin's laundry, he just ends up shoving all their clothes together in the wash and Jongin likes how except for the sizes of some things, it's very hard, almost impossible to know what belongs to whom, dozens of training pants and white tees.

The stolen kisses. The really stolen ones, lightning quick and dicey. Jongin loves those, loves how much Minseok wants to be mad, but can't.

The way Minseok not only stops scoffing at the offering of wearing Jongin's clothes to going through his things himself. He seems to really like stealing his sleep shirts that are so long on him. (Jongin thinks the way they tent when he gets hard is really something.)

The little sounds of pleasure Minseok makes when Jongin massages his calves after practice.

The wonderful feeling of falling asleep with Minseok's face squashed against his armpit and his palm warm cupped around his testicles in the most possibly possessive display of affection he's ever been subjected to.

The times when they are left alone to finish eating and Jongin can kiss Minseok's spicy mouth, greasy and sweet and sour.

Jongin realizing that lately he only loses his phone (mostly) when Minseok is around and even then, it happens less and less.

The touches that are hidden in plain sight. Lacing their fingers together for line up. Leaning close enough that he can smell Minseok's perfume. Standing too close to get smiled at.

How squirmy Minseok gets when Jongin threatens with kisses in public even though he always aims for his cheek.

How competitive they both are in their ridiculous demonstrations of affection.

The displays of strength, just how good Minseok is at controlling situations when Jongin feels like he is about to burst into confetti when they are alone.

Even though there are parts of Jongin's brain that really really don't care about losing his voice if it means Minseok will fuck his mouth freely, come so deep inside his throat he can't even taste it; Minseok takes care of him, tugs him off by the hair when he's trying too hard, intuits what Jongin needs and tilts his hips gently into his mouth, makes Jongin melt and whine for it. Unknowingly makes him grow a bit obsessed with it.

The grunt Minseok does when he comes on his face. Jongin loves how unexpected it is just how much Minseok loves it, how hot that he kisses him, replaces his hand with his own and makes him come always before he cleans him up and never after. Jongin stays on his knees, with his eyes closed, all the while.

 

Jongin can't remember ever feeling this happy this particular way before.

 

* * *

 

"You should go on dates with girls" Minseok says, matter-of-fact tone. Jongin blinks rapidly, looking up from his book to where Minseok is resting against the headboard and it takes him a few minutes to pull his mind away from his story, understand all the little things Minseok isn't saying beyond how logical and practical his argument sounds.

Jongin thinks it's both like he's getting permission and like he's being told he should. Sees the subtle implication that Minseok wouldn’t like it if he went out on dates with other men. Jongin sees too just how it hints at how serious and comfortable Minseok is with what they have and smiles at the strange ways Minseok has of making him feel cared for.

"And you?" he asks, placing his bookmark.

Minseok hums "women are hard right now" he says, rummaging inside his bag of snacks, without looking at Jongin. Maybe Jongin is rubbing off on him on some things because it's a rare sight. Minseok's been drinking too much beer and eating too many snacks and working out less and less and Jongin has a hard time balancing both the worry and the happiness about the possible reasons he may have.

It's hard not to be selfishly satisfied because of his own preference too.

Jongin can't help, never could help, adoring the juxtaposition of how soft Minseok looks and feels with how much harsher and sturdier a material he is made of, much more than anyone else Jongin knows. How gentle he is, how deeply he cuts.

"Is that so?" he asks, unable to hide his smile. Jongin can't think of a member that likes women more than Minseok, really like them, not just for sex. Jongin likes that about him too.

Minseok hums, both questioning and agreeing.

"I don't think I'll be interested in anyone any time soon" Jongin says quietly, too much like a confession, pushing one hand inside Minseok's shirt just to feel his skin.

"you can't possibly know that" Minseok says, sensibly, scrolling down his phone with his clean hand, still not looking at him.

Jongin pushes the phone away from his face and kisses him, hears the bag of snacks crumple and his book fall from the bed with a dry slap against the floor and kisses him, and kisses him and kisses him.

 

* * *

 

Jongin stops kissing other people in the mouth. Thinks that for some it will be too much of a tell, that it will give it up. This one thing will, surely.

(He really likes kissing people in the mouth.)

Doesn't cares. Doesn't feels like kissing anyone else, even if it's meaningless.

 

* * *

 

"hyung, what do you want for your birthday?"

"agh, I hate that question" Minseok says, typing away on his computer with Tan on his lap "...you really don’t know what to get me, don't you?"

"you always get good gifts" Jongin answers "I can't think of anything as good as you"

Minseok hums, disinterested in flattery.

"what do you want hyung?"

 

(Minseok never answers him. Jongin feels pressured because Minseok is so good at giving. In the end Jongin gets Minseok four pairs of tiny and delicate earrings at Tiffany. Minseok wears them and Jongin develops an awful habit of kissing his ears.)

 

* * *

 

Jongin keeps his eyes and ears open. Sees Minseok remember his likes and forget his dislikes, tease him over silly things, the way his face lights up, his voice quivers when he's excited. The stubborn clench of his jaw. The way his laugh almost tricks completely when he doesn't really feel like laughing.

Jongin sees and hears but most of these things he's already seen and heard, years and years and years of joined activities even before each of them became somebody. It's hard not to be starstruck by the things he's never been privy to before.

 

The bedroom eyes, like wildfire. The laughter with no pretense and no self-consciousness whatsoever, snorting and silly. The statements that aren't up to convince anyone because there is nobody to convince. The casual, shockingly crass joke. The way his mouth opens gently, in bloom, with arousal. Both the quiet and the loud disappointment, the anger, at himself, at situations he can do nothing but accept. The carefully delineated priorities that are never discussed and only acted upon. All the things Minseok doesn't says but Jongin hears and sees anyway for the first time, flowers of a secret garden.

 

Jongin keeps his eyes and ears open for things like this, unexpected and wonderful; the way Minseok's bottom lip wobbles, pink and soft, head tilted back and eyes closed as Jongin fucks all the way into him and stills. The steam of the shower curls around them, no rush to get out of their hotel bathroom and Jongin runs his hands down Minseok's body, feels him curve into him and Jongin fucks him, slow, slow. Holds his breath, keeps his eyes open, scared of coming too quickly, he feels _so_ good, he wants to see, wants to hear more and more, Minseok's moans, the way they spill from his mouth every time Jongin pushes in deep, hits him inside just right. But the friction is too good, sensation clutches him tight and before he can stop himself he's picking up speed, fucking quick and shallow, keeping Minseok pinned against the tiles.

"Hyung, I'm sorry" he says, voice drowned by water, feels apologetic for coming suddenly, half inside, half out, drops to his knees, sees the muscles along Minseok's back bunch and relax and tense and loosen as he spreads him open with his fingers, gently coaxes his come out. Minseok wails, turns around, vulnerable looks down on him, Jongin puts his hands on his thighs, his mouth on his dick, looks up, asking prettily with his eyes, wet eyelashes, when Minseok grips his hair, whines and whines until Minseok fucks his face, increasingly rough until it's careless and it feels like a reward for Jongin to be choking like this as Minseok thrusts down his throat, ruining him.

This time Jongin doesn't bothers keeping his eyes open. He concentrates on feeling, there is so much, so much to feel.

 

Then, when they lay in bed, haphazard tangled limbs and damp hair, Jongin, throat and heart aching, half asleep and half hard, presses against Minseok's back where he's big spooning him; both of them loose and warm. Jongin feels unnecessarily wild, can't reign in his desire, feels like he should be satisfied but isn't, feels pure gluttony.

"Minseok" he whispers, kisses his neck, caresses down his hip, between his legs, all sloppy "Minseok."

 _Minseok_.

"Jonginnie" Minseok drawls, cranes his neck and kisses his mouth, backs himself up on his cock with his eyes closed, lets Jongin hold him tight in his arms, kiss him slowly and fuck him; a tortuous grind, deep and stretching long and frustrating, unvarying rhythm like he wants to stay inside him always.

Jongin lets his body say all the things his words can't, feels like he'll cry like last time. Holds Minseok until he's shaking, fucks him until he feels so good he looks anguished and his hands can't grip Jongin's wrists anymore. Minseok comes with a series of little shaky gasps, throbbing, doesn't let's Jongin pull out until he's done, until he finishes as deep in him as he can.

"clean me up?" Minseok asks, tender and shy and sleepy, blushed all the way down to his chest.

 

Minseok is the most beautiful person Jongin has ever seen.

 

The next day Jongin complains about a sore throat, maybe he caught a cold? Minseok, apparently, has a stomach ache.

(Close enough?)

Minseok does everything the same as always but Jongin can tell he's uncomfortable, can't help staring longingly all day, feels a bit bad really.

Jongdae catches him staring and holds his eye grinning teasingly, leans to whisper something in Minseok's ear. Minseok snaps his head straight to look at him before he turns to look at Jongdae, his entire frame screaming bloody murder.

Jongdae laughs, screams loud enough Jongin can hear him clearly even this far.

"Aaaaah!! I knew it! I knew it!!" he gloats and positively cackles "It's true? Hyung it's true!"

Jongin thinks it's good Minseok loves him too much to kill Jongdae in his sleep.

 

* * *

 

Jongin wobbles on his feet, rubs his eyes, feels beyond tired and still feels Minseok's gaze, amused, blanketing him.

"'m sleepy" he pouts, closes his eyes, refuses to open them again.

"I can tell" Minseok snorts, takes his pants off, teasingly calls him Kim Kai and pulls him closer, into bed then, cradles him against his chest, coos at him, tells him he is an oversized baby that can do nothing on his own, fusses adorably spewing soft insults like he's ashamed of caring so much; tugs the covers on top of them and settles.

Jongin sighs, arms wrapped loosely around Minseok's waist, Minseok's fingers running through his hair in an idle relaxing caress.

"Hyung, I love you" he mumbles, almost asleep, only awake enough to hear Minseok's elated, surprised laugh, like a gasp.

It sounds what falling happily into a cushion of dry autumn leafs must feel like.

 

* * *

 

Minseok agonizes over his education; pours energy and dedication and sacrifices hours of sleep of his already little hours of sleep.

Jongin asks for more lessons. Dances, sings and acts more hours a day.

 

* * *

 

Minseok sits with his legs crossed at his desk and reads in Japanese like he ate the fucking CD. Jongin, sits beside him, tries to follow his reading and _hates._

"'s not fair" he pouts and while Minseok ignores him and mumbles at himself about the differences between the uses of the particles _de_ and _ni,_ Jongin tilts his head back, eyes wandering amongst the books on the shelf over the desk.

A worn Chinese-korean dictionary, three random issues of One Punch Man manga, the entire Dragon Ball manga, Skeleton Flower, thick and grim historical fiction novels, on musical theory, every edited Keigo Higashino novel in Korean, philosophy, chemistry, colorful and soft English children books that were never opened and Jongin bought impulsively for his niece, The Portrait of Dorian Gray, Sailor Moon DVDs ordered chronologically although Jongin remembers dropping them on the floor by 'Rolling Stone: 50 years' because just like that stupidly big book, there used to be no space for them.  

Jongin takes the pencil from Minseok's hand, delicate but firm.

"don't wanna study anymore" he says, moving sinuously to straddle Minseok.

Words can rest for now.

 

* * *

 

"who will you sleep with when I enlist?"

"stop asking this."

 

* * *

 

He's gotten Minseok coffee a million times before.  It's silly.

He sips his milk chocolate and lines up ice americanos in front of him.

It's so silly.

Minseok's smile reaches all the way to his eyes.

Such a silly thing.

 

* * *

 

Jongin closes the hotel room door behind them, quick to wrap his arms around Minseok's shoulders, to feel the relief of his touch, his hands around his waist and his gaze focused on him, only him.

"Hyung" Jongin bends to kiss his mouth, feels that Minseok is getting restless standing, wants to go tidy, prepare for bed. Jongin smiles at him thinking, he really never can stop and kisses him again "hyung."

Minseok relaxes after some more kisses as if realizing Jongin isn't letting him go "yes baby?"

"Tonight" Jongin hesitates, shuffles his feet, softened by the pet name, puts a hand on each of Minseok's shoulders and squeezes lightly "can you..."

Minseok's face is unreadable as he flutters his eyelashes at him "what?"

"you know" Jongin says, gives half a step back, sure Minseok must know.

"What?" Minseok repeats, softly and cutely. His expression is the same, innocent curiosity but his smile has grown too wide to be anything but hungry. Jongin covers his face with both hands in embarrassment, feels Minseok walk forward that half step back Jongin took to caress his waist, the top of his ass more comfortably.

" _Hyung_ " Jongin whines.

"Yes?"

"You know what I'm asking for" Jongin continues, feeling the heat on his face.

Minseok smiles at him for a second before turning towards the room and moving into something else, "bed now, we have rehearsal tomorrow."

 

Minseok says that, showers him, spreads a towel under his hips and lays him down on their bed, kisses down his back, drives him up the fucking wall.

Kisses behind his ear, caresses his thighs, between his legs and ass, slowly until Jongin can think of nothing else, lulled until he's spreading his legs open in silent askance.

"Do you want this?"

Minseok always speaks even when he reads him so well, and it's good because Jongin doesn't knows exactly what or how to ask most of the time. Jongin nods, hisses, arches his back when Minseok just up-ends the lube bottle between his thighs, surprised because it's always so wonderful how wet and messy Minseok likes it so he can get squeaky clean after. The same way he disarms him and puts him back together.

Jongin feels shy about how he must look until he hears Minseok's quiet appreciative cursing and his feelings shift wildly to grinning shamelessness, he wiggles his hips, spreads himself up for Minseok's slick caress; demands to be kissed and bites Minseok's mouth, pinned between the bed and the absolute of his weight; feels Minseok's dick slide between his buttocks to settle between his thighs.

Jongin quivers "you tease so much."

Minseok's legs press his closer together "it looks good on you" he says, kisses his jaw, gives him enough leverage to grind back and forth, his ass against Minseok's hips and his dick against the mattress and it's good, it's good and it's not what Jongin longed for but it's hard to feel disappointed when he's so keyed up and Minseok presses kisses between his shoulders and fucks his thighs and Jongin loves the feel of this, wishes he could come like this; the towel providing too much friction to the point where he squeezes his eyes shut, lets Minseok's thrusts rock him against the bed, tries to stop moving his own hips but can't, even when Minseok's movements pick up speed and strength, hips slapping impatient against his ass, and Jongin presses his forehead against the pillow, can do nothing but feel so good and vivid Minseok get closer and closer.

"Jonginnie" Minseok sits back, pressing a hand on his waist and Jongin moans, hearing the feverish breaths Minseok makes, his whimpering accompanying the desperate wet rhythm of his hand around his dick. Minseok squeezes his ass softly and spreads him open, Jongin drools in anticipation, arches his back and makes it easier for him to aim; tries to stay still but is too aroused to, even for a second; breathless when Minseok's come hit his ass, pools against his hole, intimate and hot and impossible to ignore, too close to what he needs but not exactly it.

Jongin feels drunk on bodily sensation, on want, lets Minseok roll him over, kiss him incongruously chaste on the cheek, on the center of his chest, his body branding hot pressed against his side.

"you are so sensitive here" he says conversationally, his mouth too red, flicking his nipple with his index finger, back and forth before he starts tonguing at the other. Jongin groans, too riled up, grinds his knees together, the underside of his cock that rubbed against the fluffiness of the towel feels tender like the skin between his thighs, used, slick with lube and Minseok's come, soaking his asshole and dripping between his legs.

A while ago, once Minseok realized how sensitive his nipples are, he gave them more attention than Jongin could bare, got too good at making him hopeless and mewling, setting arousal in waves that pool between his legs.

Jongin is so close. So close he can almost taste how hard he's gonna to come.

He slides a hand down his body to touch himself but Minseok catches his wrist between two fingers so delicately it makes Jongin want to fucking scream. Maybe he does, he's not sure, he grips the sheets then holds onto Minseok's shoulders, feels like sobbing when he sees him smile so pleased. Eyes adoring, heartbreaking like he can't believe Jongin is his.

Minseok's mouth is too hot, his fist is too tight, too slow a caress, too intense the wet friction that has him shuddering, babbling constantly.

"fuck me" Jongin begs, feels too open, not open enough " _fuck me._ "

"I am" Minseok says, hand speeding up abruptly around Jongin's dick, too fast and too tight and Jongin can't really think about anything much after that.

 

Jongin is professional as he can be and it's hard not to be at least a bit excited about rehearsal so he isn't really wondering about what it must feel like, having Minseok inside him, not really. But he can't help being a little bit distracted. Like having an itch he wants to scratch. Really bad.

Minseok notices his distraction. Catches his gaze, gives him the kind of look that has Jongin missing his marks. Minseok doesn't particularly care for rehearsal, finds it repetitive and boring but perks proportionally to the amount of fuck-ups Jongin makes and to be honest Jongin doesn't even know why he even _likes_ him. He is a complete asshole that looks way too cute when enjoying himself on Jongin's expense.

Minseok never misses his marks.

 

(Jongin has to restrain himself not to run to the other side of the stage and tackle him.)

 

* * *

 

"Why wont he give me his dick?" Jongin says, looking at the bottom of his third glass of booze pathetically.

Taemin stares at him, disgust and disappointment so clear in his entire face and posture. "Uhm," Taemin starts, sassily, and Jongin knows he's about to get his _whole ass_ lectured top to bottom "firstly for what you've been saying he's been giving your greedy face plenty of dick- don't interrupt me. Secondly, if what you want exactly is to get his dick up your butthole, have you thought of just going ahead and asking _'put your dick up my butthole'_?"

Jongin opens his mouth.

"Of course you haven't because you are dumb" Taemin cuts him off quickly "you have so much anal angst it's amazing; third, from personal experience I can tell you without a doubt he wants to fuck you in the ass. You have a nice ass and he'd be stupid not to want to hit that" Taemin continues, popping chips into his mouth.

"Thank you"

"You are welcome. I can see the appeal in teasing you from his part but, don't you see that he-? Jongin have you stopped to think? Do you really want to dance a three hour concert with a freshly pounded asshole?"

Taemin pauses to glare at Jongin. His disappointed pout intensifying when he realizes his glass is empty. "You- it's almost like I didn't raise you."

Jongin mixes him another "you didn't raise me you bitch."

"That much is clear" Taemin deadpans before he snorts softly and his face and voice grow gentle "how long has it been since the last time?" he asks "...me?" he adds. Jongin chucks down his drink and Taemin pauses for a moment before continuing "you didn't even think to look at your schedule? Hope you got lube"

"two types" Jongin signals with his fingers.

Taemin sighs "I'm just gonna pass onto you something Kibum once told me," Taemin says, smile turning into a smirk.

"Oh?" Jongin grins back.

_"look at your schedule, clean yourself up and sit on his dick."_

They both burst in drunk yowling laughter.

 

***

 

Jongin looks at his schedule, examining it as far as it's planned and makes good use of the Google search engine.

There's always something. The excuses are more than sensible and it's not like this is really an obsession in particular. It's just another aspect of his longing for Minseok's touch. Minseok's... everything.

There aren't really many things Jongin wants that aren't abstract, more conceptual than specific. He wants this, can't really think of anything less abstract than penetrative sex.

 

***

 

Jongin has no right to feel like this.

 

Everyone seems to adore Minseok, to know him and appreciate him and it's like he smiles easier at other people, like he knows them better; is full of themes of conversation and little private jokes and kind words for people Jongin only knows in passing.

Minseok's smiles so much better and prettier when someone else makes him laugh, maybe because Jongin is green eyed, maybe because he isn't blinded like he is when the smile is directed at him. Maybe it is really about how Minseok sometimes searches for him with his eyes in between kisses and hugs and conversations.

Righteous, every time delightfully surprised when the moment of realization comes of who Minseok is looking for, Jongin let's him search.

Jongin let's him go trough all these people that aren't him. Turns away, half a mind to socialize himself.

Thinks, in so many ways, it's going to be always like this; that in some places in his mind, in his heart of hearts and because he's always liked his hyung _so much_ , years ago he already contemplated the very legitimate prospect of standing like this at Minseok's wedding. Difference is he didn't use to care in all these other complex bittersweet ways he does now and he feels stupid, so stupid, worrying over something like this. About being another marker on the highway, someone else Minseok goes trough, looking for someone else.

Wants to tell himself this melodramatic ridiculous excuse of an emotion is meaningless and fleeting but knows too that the time for that kind of self-convincing has passed, zoomed by, a roadside blur.

 

Jongin has no right to feel like this, it's hypocritical of him. He can't help himself, feels resentment towards what he considers his own selfishness. Feels a bit like crying and a bit like laughing, has no air in his lungs to do either when Minseok is finally able to have him behind a locked door, when he climbs on top of him, takes his clothes off like he's unwrapping a present, kisses him all over. The palms of his hands, his eyelids, chin, over his heart, each knee, belly button, forehead, every fingertip, reverently like he wants to stay, like he adores every piece of the puzzle that makes him, a portrait he colors to remember, lips like a paint brush.

Jongin is terrified, like the bomb is ticking faster, final countdown, walking down the tight rope, vertiginous like there's something written all over his face that will spill to the entire ugly world their secret as precious and fragile at it is, he's terrified of anyone knowing how in love he is.

 

With the feeling he feels, unable to subjugate it in any way, Jongin soars, up, up, stratospheric, anyways. Dances through glittering firmament, tour en l'air.

 

* * *

 

There is an unspoken sense of trepidation every time Minseok gropes his ass. Jongin would take it to being his own feelings only, the sensation in his tummy like butterflies, except it's almost like Minseok can't help himself either.

Minseok giggling, hooking his fingers under Jongin's ass, lifting and then letting lose abruptly to try and make it jiggle. (Jongin both admires and resents his completely futile efforts. It's _embarrassing_.)

The slow makeouts, all stolen time, where Minseok has him spread out on top of him, little hands sliding down from his butt to press little circles against his hole or further down against his perineum, echoing movement of his tongue, making Jongin's brain turn to mush and his cock leak steady inside his jeans or against Minseok's belly.

Minseok fingers him without flourish.

Like the fluffy towel that takes residence inside one of the drawers of their bedside table, the hypoallergenic baby wipes and two different types of lube; with a tension that piles up just like those things, Minseok spreads him open around his fingers, agonizing and thorough whenever he's blowing him. Gets Jongin babbling longing and worship before he comes, something that goes from rare to standard until it's something that happens as many times as it can be happening and his body opens up so easy, so, so easy for Minseok's touch, the trepidation he used to feel at having something inside him completely gone, something burning and coiling in him, leaving him easy to be sunk into, like it's second nature. 

Jongin feels like he's going crazy with a hunger that feeds on itself.

Jongin adds the condoms to their drawer at home, almost viciously.

 

When Minseok sees them he starts laughing and Jongin knows it was absolutely worth the pain of sneaking them just to make a fucking stupid unnecessary point when he sees he can't stop laughing, pulling out boxes and boxes, the entire rainbow of pharmaceutical display, textured, flavored, extra large. Minseok laughs, asks what legion exactly is he planning on fucking on their bed.

Jongin smiles, delight, promise and frustration.

Minseok keeps laughing.

 

* * *

 

"Hyung, buy me dinner" Jongin says, pouty, makes himself cute.

Minseok glares at him sideways, mouth down-turned "no," he frowns but Jongin sees his eyes are full of light and tugs on his shirt, hears Jongdae start laughing somewhere behind him, feels petulant as hell.

"buy me dinner" he whines, pawing at Minseok's sides. Minseok turns away 180 degrees and escapes, never taking his eyes from his phone.

 

Minseok pats his butt, tells him, confidentially, on his tiptoes "choose a place."

 

Jongin orders an amount of takeout that borders obscenity (he's not paying for it anyway,) grabs Minseok by the wrist and sneaks into the basement of the secondary building where they used to dance practice. It's late enough to be long empty and dark, picks one room randomly, searches for the light switch and hits it, sees Minseok standing in the center of the room. Dance studios have the quality that there's nothing in them, mirror, floor, light, all space. Minseok stands there, white flimsy takeout bags dangling from the crook of his elbow, only one hoodie sleeve rolled up, converse sneaker laces tied lazy. A beacon of something.

Jongin puts the beers on the floor, the bottles clink together toasting in advance and Minseok turns, opens his mouth to speak looking pleasantly surprised. He says nothing. Jongin wonders what exactly Minseok imagined he'd want. If he thought Jongin would want an expensive date, luxury and complicated planning.

Jongin would not oppose to that but what Jongin wants is something else, he wants to sit too close, wants to sit on Minseok's lap, between his legs, casually tangle, wants to tell him anything that comes to mind, wants to kiss if he wants, wants to open his mouth and make Minseok feed him, wants to play footsie, feel like he's sixteen, like all of this is normal and irreproachable, like it will last. He can't do that anywhere it isn't just the two of them.

Minseok smiles, eyes twinkling mischievous "you want to fuck here, don't you?"

Jongin shrugs nonchalant "yeah."

 

(The truth is he hadn't even thought about it. The truth also is he wants Minseok any way he can get him and it is also truth that they don't fuck there, but if Jongin has a bucket list it is promptly added.)

 

* * *

 

"Who will you sleep with when I enlist?"

" _nobody_ , there's no one else I-"

"you should find someone"

"don't say that"

"I don't want you to be alone."

  
  
* * *

 

'I got a better way of learning Japanese' Jongin had said, sneering at that dreadfully boring Minna no Nihongo book.

'you are learning Japanese watching anime' had answered Minseok, dry, but hadn't argued at all on it being an acceptable or not learning tool so now they were cuddling watching _Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card_.

Minseok puts his head on Jongin's shoulder where he is resting, half sitting against the headboard of their bed in their bedroom in the dark, Minseok's laptop the only light.

" _do you like watching TV?_ " He asks, softly, in that Learning Japanese CD voice.

 " _一緒に過ごすのが一番好きです_ "

( _Yes, but being with you is the thing that I like the most._ )

Minseok turns to look at him, stunned. Their faces are so close and Jongin continues, his mouth against Minseok's, "see? I told you it's a better way to learn."

 

* * *

 

"I don't want to sleep yet" Jongin says, curls in bed facing Minseok, holds the pillow down so he can see his face well.

Minseok blinks slowly, face too tired for expression but eyes patient and fond.

"It's late” Minseok says and Jongin caresses his ear, plays with his hair.

"don't wanna sleep yet"

"Jonginnie" Minseok starts,

Jongin cuts him off, letting his index finger trace the curve of his eyebrow, his bottom lip, chin " _hyung._ "

Minseok smiles, "baby" he calls and Jongin can't resist, kisses him, dry and soft.

"Minseok."

 

* * *

 

For one reason or another Chanyeol and Kyungsoo are the ones that spend the most time at the studio while recording; Jongdae and Baekhyun record guides for the rest of them sometimes, sometimes Junmyeon does. They record several songs at a time in several booths and it's hours and hours on end of going back and forth between them, recording the same line ten to ten thousand times before moving onto the next, rinse and repeat. It's tiresome but exciting, the way each song takes shape as each of them adds their voice, emotion, pitch and tone and color.

"I'm going, Jonginnie" Minseok kisses him goodbye quick on the mouth and something rings in alarm in Jongin's head, forces him to pull Minseok into bed, arms tightly wrapped around him.

"no" he mumbles completely unable to keep his eyes open but resolute as hell "'m goin'"

"you are?" Minseok giggles derisive "it's too early for babies like you, stay here and hibernate little bear," kisses him again, tries to wiggle out of his embrace but Jongin doesn't allows it.

Minseok, like Jongin, as some of the least essential voices to the process, is one of the last to come in to record but does so in the morning. Jongin goes in the afternoon, having trouble warming up his voice too soon after waking up. He never sees Minseok work.

"I'm going."

 

Forty minutes later find him sitting on the studio couch holding between both hands the mocha latte Minseok got him after practically dressing him himself, and it's the sweetest thing in contrast to his black coffee, the crisp chill of the air conditioner. Jongin knows Minseok will only add saccharine to his coffee (one packet) but that he's already added sugar to his own (brown, three packets minimum) only so he wont have to fight with the lid.

Jongin's eyes want to close, he's used to functioning with very little sleep but that doesn't means he has to enjoy it, feels too aware of how the leather of the couch is sticking to the back of his thighs where his shorts don't cover. He kicks off his flip-flops. Minseok is sitting at arms length, curved towards the coffee table reading lyrics with a focus Jongin can't even grasp at this hour. Before really deciding on it he's tilting towards him, cheek dragging along his waist until it ends up along his hip, his arm loosely around his waist. Minseok looks uncomfortable for a second before he remembers there's nobody but them in the studio and relaxes, says nothing, takes the styrofoam cup from between Jongin's fingers and lets him curl closer, closer around him until Jongin's got both arms around his torso and his face pillowed on his shoulder-blade, one leg hooked over his thigh.

The director enters and finds them like that, greets Minseok and comments amused on how rare it is to have Jongin there, _is he here to record? How unusual_ and _has Minseok checked the lyric corrections there?_

Jongin says nothing, he doesn't has the energy to care about coming out as impolite. If he speaks he'll have to move and acknowledge he is awake and he's not ready. Minseok does though, striking casual conversation and making excuses for him. Pats Jongin on the head, caresses his thigh, briefly, and Jongin hears more footsteps, tilts away from Minseok, releasing him from his embrace to lay on the couch with a sigh of disappointment.

"did you fall from the bed Jongin?" Chanyeol says "what are you doing here so early? Are you planning on recording? If you wanna try I'll talk to hyung; did you check the lyrics of the song I told you about?" Chanyeol says in a quick succession of things to answer to that rattle inside Jongin's brain like lonely coins inside a piggy-bank shaken by a greedy child.

"felt like it" he says, croaky, scratching his tummy and trying not to stare from this great angle at Minseok's ass when he gets up. Chanyeol fist-bumps Minseok before he goes in and then turns his attention back to Jongin, his face a questionnaire. Jongin really likes the way Chanyeol can never hide anything he feels from showing on his face, but not always.

"I was curious" Jongin adds as a half-assed explanation, too sleepy to be too mysterious as he picks up his coffee and stalks after Minseok.

 

Minseok records _fast_. Gets it on the third or fifth take and Jongin is in awe. His voice, clear like a chime, pure but calling irresistible siren song at full strength, heartbreak, with all the little corrections from the director until it's _perfect_. A porcelain knife.

"Minseok you are in a good mood today" the director says "you are doing very well."

On the other side of the glass Minseok blushes and Jongin, sitting on the long couch behind the director and the producer, covers his face with his hand feeling shy and happy just looking at him because he knows it's all for him.

 

"-and then he said that men don't text emojis to each other" Jongin finishes.

"he's sent _me_ emojis" Minseok laughs, "he's a liar that best friend of yours, I like him" says, and Jongin can see the half chewn food inside his mouth. Minseok is done recording for today so they took a break to have lunch. Jongin wanted to go out, so the three of them plus Kyungsoo who arrived a little later in the morning, walked to a nearby restaurant owned by the company where they know them well. They are sitting in a corner of the empty terrace, the sun and the breeze are nice. The waitress is cute.

Sometimes Jongin spends so much time indoors working he kinda forgets other people have fixed schedules, sleep at night, do their own taxes, have the privilege of anonymity, of dating whoever they want or gaining weight or making mistakes. Crazy.

"yeah, he's a fucking asshole just like you" Jongin says delicately, and it makes Minseok laugh in delight, go off in dissertation on why Jongin is the one that lies to fans the most. Kyungsoo is delighted at the line of conversation, even though the topic is long wasted. They all wear personas that are neither lie nor truth but necessary semi-constructions, like makeup for their personality.

Jongin doesn’t waste time trying to defend himself for doing his job, pouts playfully asking to be fed, whines, says he is too tired to hold the chopsticks and immediately knows he shouldn't have when Minseok gets that feline eyed look of pure evil he gets sometimes. Before he can do anything about it he's having food shoved into his face by Minseok and Chanyeol. _It's too much,_  he complains " _it wont fit!"_ ; and all of them tease him awfully after he says that.

(Minseok does feed him though, nicely, but only after Jongin is terribly self-conscious, ears red with embarrassment.)

And they make him pay. It's not a problem really but it's adding insult to injury. He feels tiny and young.

It's nice.

 

They walk back to the studio as they have a small time window until they have to be driven to dance practice. Inside, Minseok gets called to check on a line so he steps into the studio again, Jongin's eyes lingering a little too long on his chest, where he knows there is a mark left on the shape of his teeth.

Minseok leaves and Kyungsoo says "go away, Chanyeol."

Chanyeol looks only a little hurt "ok, I’ll be working on my song"

"you do that" Kyungsoo says "I'll find you later"

"ok" says Chanyeol, smiles and goes, leaves Jongin and Kyungsoo standing in a silence that stretches comfortably for a while.

Kyungsoo hugs him and Jongin inhales and when he exhales it's a sob; cries, can't help it, hides his face on Kyungsoo's shoulder and Kyungsoo speaks comforting him with few words before he shuts up abruptly, says "it's ok," hugs him steady instead, let's Jongin hold so tight it hurts them both. Minseok passes them by on one direction, talking on the phone with Jongdae and Kyungsoo waits only a little before he lets Jongin go, slowly, softly pats his arm and walks the opposite way. Jongin is left alone, in silence, in the hallway.

He cries a little more but nobody bothers him. His face feels a little congested but he's ok. He feels much better than before. He hadn't even realized he felt bad. Jongin feels a bit stupid for crying like this, so suddedly for no apparent reason, but forgives himself immediately.

 

Jongin opens the door to the bathroom and Minseok is there, arms crossed resting one hip against the sink, waiting for him.

"uh... hi" he says, worried Minseok will ask but Minseok only stretches to hook his fingers on his belt loops and kiss him. Such a reckless thing, dangerous and unexpected, Jongin has to fight not to get hard when Minseok doesn't stops, puts his palm hot against the back of his neck and catches him instead of letting him go.

 

* * *

 

"That's great Jongin" the choreographer says "can you do that, a bit... _less_ "

Jongin does it a bit _less_. He's built up some tension, he feels all jumbled, a bit mad, keeps getting distracted by Minseok's reflection.

Dances a bit too hard. Maybe.

 

 

"you kept making mistakes today"

"so did you" Jongin retorts, pillowing his head in the hoodie he was wearing when they came in four hours ago. He's laying on his back on the floor with Minseok on top of him, his chin resting on his crossed hands right over Jongin's bellybutton, having just finished their cool down. Jongin usually stays longer, and since Minseok is legitimately good at understanding other people's flexibility Jongin asked him to stay and help him with his stretching, trying to make it sound casual, like an afterthought in front of everyone.

"it's not the same"

"how is it not the same?" Jongin retorts, playing with a strand of his hair.

"you were making my mistakes today"

"I just couldn’t stop looking at you" Jongin says, blurting it out, like peeling off a band-aid.

"you have to" Minseok says exquisite, as if he doesn't wants to say it although it's the responsible thing to do, a little sad and a lot seductive, pleased, eyes half-lidded flaunting pretty eyelashes.

"but I can't" Jongin says, bratty, Minseok's hands caressing deliberate down his body, muscles rolling under the touch and heat rising in his belly at where this may be going. He's tired, but not _that_ tired.

Jongin gets hard so easy, always and Minseok knows this, can feel it, shifts on top of him "but you have to" Minseok answers staring up hypnotic into his eyes, like he's daring him to do the exact opposite and Jongin bites his lip, really wanting to check if the door is closed now, his hands twitch where they are hanging useless in the air, elbows planted on the linoleum, wanting to touch but not daring to as Minseok's palm slides down to his inner thighs and back up.

"I wont" Jongin says, and doesn't.

" _aah_ " Minseok exhales with understanding, like he's finally got a mathematical formula, like he's studying instead of caressing Jongin's dick between his fingers trough his trousers. "You wont?" Minseok says, so close Jongin can feel his breath against the skin of his tummy where his shirt's lifted, still damp with sweat.

"can't" he says, staring down at Minseok's eyes, Minseok's hand slipping slow down the waistband of his-

The door opens.

_They freeze._

Baekhyun freezes too but recovers much quickly "you two _shits_ " he yells "this is a working space!! isn’t there anything sacred in this company for all of you deviants?! I swear if I have to walk into one more person getting a handjob I'll flip!"

His theatrics pull them out of their shock and Minseok sheepishly puts his hands more decent places.

" _you_! I expected better of you!" Baekhyun says, accent creeping back in with his flamboyant indignation, wagging a finger at Minseok.

"...after all this time you should know to expect worse" Minseok retorts, with a derisive hand flick.

"much worse" Jongin adds cheerfully.

"oh my god" Baekhyun says and slams the door shut. Then opens it again in the same movement "you better stop that shit and get moving before anyone else comes up!" and then finally exits.

Jongin and Minseok look at each other, smiling, get up and gather their stuff to leave.

"he's jealous"

"yes."

"are you worried?"

"not really."

 

Much later that night, in the dark, Jongin mumbles uneasy "we shouldn't have done that."

"I know." Minseok says, and Jongin pretends not to notice the trembling in his voice "I just couldn’t stop looking at you."

"hyung, don't say that" Jongin says, feeling shy for no reason, curling against Minseok's chest, settling his ear over his heartbeat.

"you said it first" Minseok says, plays gently with his hair and sighs "you are brave, you always say things first"

Jongin looks up at his face, wanting to see in the dark "what do you mean?"

"you know" Minseok says, like a wave, crashing.

 

* * *

 

People say there's always someone who loves more, and Jongin thinks that saying is absolute _shit_.

 

* * *

 

"how can you just say this to me?!"

"because I know how you are, you'll find someone else" Minseok says, like it's already decided.

"what about you then? You and your _friends_?" Jongin says, voice shaking with anger and hurt and jealousy without fundaments.

" _excuse me?_ " Minseok says, back straightening, and it's like the entire room darkens with his fury and Jongin is glad that there are on different sides of the room, separated by their bed " _friends?_ "

Jongin curls into himself, tears in his eyes "after all of this" he breathes "is this how you are going to tell me you don't want me?"

Minseok stands up, Jongin sees his hands shake but is too upset to care.

"no" Minseok says, sounding scared "that's not what I'm saying Jongin" Minseok takes a deep breath "I can't stop thinking this kind of situation can't be good enough for you, you should-"

Jongin bursts into tears " _shut up,_ " sobs angrily into his hands "hyung, you are so stupid," feels Minseok's arms around him and whines "why are you making me cry like this?"

"I'm sorry Jonginnie" Minseok says, gently tugging his hands away from his face "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just want you to smile"

"you say it like what you want doesn't matters" Jongin says, fresh tears welling in his eyes as he puts his arms around Minseok's shoulders.

"Jonginnie" Minseok trembles in his arms, reaches up to caress his cheek "it doesn't matters if it's hurting you."

"the only thing that hurts me is you talking to me like you want to- like you don't want to be with me anymore"

"I _do_ " Minseok says, agitated "I just don't want you to feel ...trapped"

"I'm not, god, I'm" Jongin takes Minseok's face between his hands and kisses him, Minseok's arms tighten around his waist and they kiss, better than talking, or breathing.

"I'm really stupid" Minseok smiles up at him, eyes all unspilled tears and understanding, tension leaving both of them steadily.

Jongin kisses him again so he can't tell him he loves him too.

 

* * *

 

Jongin climbs down the stage for wardrobe change, the roar of the venue attendees ringing in his ears, Minseok enters his field of vision for a second and Jongin gets distracted, can't come back into what he needs to be doing, understands how intimately threaded they really are, wants to walk over there, twirl and kiss him like it's some golden era Hollywood romance. Wants to yell. Wants to be reborn again as different people and do it all over again but less painful, less paranoid, void of guilt, where being unable to get rid of his feeling doesn't means having to lie to everyone he knows. Jongin looks away and finishes changing as fast as he can, the stage handles fussing over him and so he makes it.

Jongin knows he's never going to be able to look at Minseok like he's just another person he works with. Not ever again, no matter what happens. Jongin also knows it's always going to be terrifying, always.

He can't undo anything. If he could... if he could, he couldn't say certainly if he'd want to.

 

* * *

 

"who will you sleep with when I enlist?"

"you"

"me?"

"yes, I'll find you and get in bed with you every night"

"yeah?"

"you'll look good in uniform."

 

* * *

 

Jongin doesn’t usually has time to think, sit and ruminate his emotions slowly.

Jongin is instead like a tornado spiraling in systematic chaos, sweet and awful and beautiful and sad; taking with him all he picks up along the way. Feels all and none of it. The epitome of love and horror. Raw feeling he can't hunt down to dissect, like a single voice in the roar of a crowd, screaming. A droplet in a sunshower.

He admires Minseok, that can pinpoint an emotional process so clearly, even when most times he doesn't likes to explain how he feels. Minseok sometimes can tell why Jongin is upset before Jongin can.

Jongin's learnt he shouldn’t focus too much on what's inside him, that it's better to look at tasks daily and it's good he has so many of those lined up. It's good that he has to choose little to none of his to do lists.

Sometimes, with Minseok softly snoring in the dark beside him, arms around him, Jongin wonders what the meaning of happiness must be, truly must be. But does so only fleetingly.

He wants to be able to smile with honesty.

 

* * *

 

It's only a couple of hours after lunch when Jongin walks into their room fresh out of the shower. Intercepts Minseok between the door and the bed.

"Hi" Jongin says, hands going to play with the collar of Minseok's white tee, Minseok's hands fitting around his waist automatically, his head tilts in askance for kisses and Jongin bends to his mouth, lets Minseok suck gently on his bottom lip, a caress of tongue as he opens up for Jongin's embrace.

Jongin kisses Minseok's smile when the towel around his waist drops to the floor, Minseok's fingertips tickling his thighs before his attention comes back to their kiss.

Minseok turns his attention to his neck, his collarbone and Jongin pulls on the elastic of Minseok's trainers and lets it slap against his stomach. They smile at each other. Minseok's stance turns relaxed and inviting, lets his arms drop by his sides and tilts his chin up at him in a tiny gesture like saying _'what now, boy?'_

Jongin drops down on one knee, strips him, socks first then pulls underwear and briefs in one go, takes in the sight. Minseok grins at him but Jongin is jittery, kisses up his thigh, feels droplets of water fall down his back from his wet hair "hyung, I'm clean" Jongin points out, innocently, sees Minseok's mouth twitch in amusement.

"get up" Minseok says tugging him up from the arm, kisses him again, closer, hands wandering. Jongin pulls back expectantly to see his face when his fingers slide from his waist inevitably between his cheeks. Minseok's eyelashes flutter as his fingertips find him lubed and loose and Jongin, riled up already from fingering himself in the shower curls into his fingers that dip easy into him "fuck baby" Jongin's knees wobble at the amount of awe in his voice, electrified, bites his lip and lets Minseok pull him closer until they are pressing against each other. 

He's been aroused since he got out of the shower (since before he got _in_ , really) and now his cock is trapped, warm between his skin and the soft cotton of Minseok's shirt, growing hard so fast he feels dizzy. Jongin lets his eyes flutter closed, Minseok's mouth on his neck, one of his hands between his shoulder blades, the other just feeling inside him, one finger, then two, deeper, just _feeling_.

"Clean enough to eat Jonginnie?" Minseok says, gloating and asking for permission at the same time and Jongin chokes on a broken sound of irresistible craving as Minseok pushes him face first into bed, gentle and firm.

Jongin crawls towards the other side of the bed, pulls on the drawer; pulls the whole drawer out in his eagerness, lets it thunk against the floor and throws what they need over his shoulder, hears Minseok's giggle, his hands on the back of his calves "got off in the shower?" Minseok asks, softly arranging Jongin on the bed, lifts him up but the hips and Jongin goes, pliant.

"yeah" Jongin answers, lets his head hang between his shoulders, ass in the air, can see, upside down Minseok's cock lifting from between his thighs. Fuck, it makes his mouth water.

"couldn't help yourself" Minseok says, knowing, as he finishes arranging the towel beneath Jongin's hips, caresses from his waist to the back of his knees, between his legs "got another one for me?" Minseok spreads him, plants kisses all over his ass.

" _yeah_ " Jongin answers, unable to even parse the extent of his hunger, fleeting thought of coming for Minseok until he can't anymore, give him all of them, every single one he's got; moans easy, so easy for him, feels every stroke of Minseok's tongue with his entire body, every caress rippling through his flesh like waves on a pond. Wet hot mouth opening him up, unhurried pace, like there's nothing he'd rather be doing, Jongin fidgets on Minseok's strong grip spreading him, keeping him still.

Minseok moves away, Jongin feels his hole twitch under his gaze, wonderfully vulnerable, before Minseok caresses him with his thumb, coaxing him loose, free hand patting around distractedly searching for the lube bottle.

"ah, Jonginnie, you are getting too loud" Minseok says, amused but so audibly heated, lustful, and Jongin gets louder, hands turning into fists crumpling the bed covers "everyone is going to hear you if you don't quiet down" Minseok continues, bringing attention to the muffled voices and music coming from the other side of their door while running his teeth against the swell of his buttock and Jongin quivers, squawks in embarrassment and arousal, reaches back to grab Minseok by the hair, pull him down again and Minseok slots his mouth against his asshole, groans against him, lips against his rim. Jongin feels like he'll have permanent indentations of his fingers in his buttocks from the strength of his grip and _wants them._  Minseok fucks him with his tongue, like he needs to taste his insides before he abruptly _sucks_ , gets Jongin drooling, slack mouth, forehead dragging against soft sheets, _oh, oh, oh,_ little moans, his dick, wet, jerking between his legs.

Minseok pulls back, slaps his palms against both buttcheeks simultaneously and Jongin gasps, convulsing, moaning like he's wounded.

"fuck" he hears Minseok say reverent and fierce before his mouth is on him again and Jongin feels Minseok's kiss, quickly replaced by two caressing fingers, more lube, then three, barely a stretch anymore. Jongin's thighs shudder uncontrollably, he squeezes his eyes shut.

" _Hyung_ " Jongin moans, drops onto his stomach and rolls onto his back, pulls Minseok on top of him, harshly, can't take it anymore.

Minseok wipes his mouth with the back of his hand as he crawls over his body, covers him with his build, kisses his chin and lets Jongin pull him into a wet, desperate kiss, avaricious long, gets Jongin whining into his mouth with every ragged exhalation. They kiss until the sweet taste of the cotton candy flavored lube is gone, they are both shaking, grinding against each other, Minseok's fingers tangled possessive on Jongin's hair, Jongin's hands roaming under his shirt, playing with his nipples, a leg hooked around his waist.

Jongin grabs his ass and pulls him in, closer to feel the hot brand of his cock between his legs, rolls underneath him with his knees up, full body bowing in a message that couldn't be clearer _"please_ "

"yeah, yes" Minseok says, lifting higher onto his forearms, pupils dilated, mouth red, looking a little dazed, Jongin tugs on his shirt and he repeats " _yes,_ " sits back to pull it over his head and Jongin sits up, like any more space between them is impossible to tolerate and the movement haves him feel keenly how sloppy his hole is.

Palm up, tries to stroke Minseok's cock with one hand, feel the heat and weight of his balls in his palm, and with the other to open the condom wrapper with his teeth at the same time, fails and is successful more or less at both until Minseok, shirtless now, cups his face between both hands and pecks his nose, nips on his bottom lip until it tingles, makes his mind short circuit, a cocktail, sugary and fizzy.

Jongin drops back, lets his legs spread open effortless, stretches his arms over his head before reaching down again between his legs to caress Minseok's waist. Can't stop touching, feels Minseok's desire, restrained but all-consuming, desperate symmetry of his desire to be closer, closer, as close as he can be. To entwine.

Jongin digs his nails onto Minseok's skin, feels his shaft caress his rim, teasing before he pushes in. There is no pain, just that fucking good stretch and weight that makes him feel full; Minseok pushes in and in, on one go, not stopping and Jongin bears down, takes it, all of it. Jongin instantly grasps a new addiction, Minseok feels that real, that _right_ inside of him.

Minseok doesn't waits, hangs his head, mouth open and Jongin can't take his eyes of him, their hips tilting, neither able to stop rutting against the other as the arc of their movements get wider.

Minseok curves over him, one hand reaching to caress Jongin's face, the other to hook over his arm, trap him close, full of his cock.

"is this-?"

" _yes_ " Jongin gasps, opens his mouth to catch Minseok's thumb to suck on.

Minseok groans, hesitation gone from his eyes and snaps his hips and fucks him so hard so quickly he stops seeing, arms over his head because Minseok pushes him up the bed with his overzealous thrusting.

And then he stops, fucks him slow, cloying sweet like syrup and Jongin looks up at him in surprise, opens his mouth to complain and then can't even kiss him back, gasping moans, over-sensitized and unable to take real stock of his body, his hips rolling desperate for more, dragging his abused rim against Minseok's length, squelching wet. More, more, needy, scratches down Minseok's back, sweat gathering under his fingernails as he fucks him harder, harder again.

" _why?_ " Minseok asks, furiously, buries his hands on his hair, his face on his neck, licks his skin " _why?_ " Jongin thinks he may cry but Minseok kisses him instead, madly, like he wants to breathe in the air in his lungs. Minseok bends him in half, pins his knee to his shoulder almost maliciously and fucks him so hard and so good Jongin forgets he ever made a question, has to cover his mouth to cover his scream.

Minseok fucks him like he wants to break him open, and delicate like he could ever; holds him down, holds him in his arms, ruining, owning, cherishing, alternating maddeningly like he can't decide because it really really is all the same. The mattress creaks and Jongin sobs, grips desperately at Minseok's skin, bruising, anything he can touch as the air gets punched out of his lungs with every shove, makes himself into the perfect little fuck, anything Minseok could want. Every second he can keep his eyes open, he looks right into Minseok's eyes, wants, wants so badly to hear his name spill urgently from his mouth, wants the truth, more than words. Wants to see, and _sees_. Feels so good, so full, stops thinking and only feels. Feels Minseok beat accurately, so fucking good, terrible on that insatiable craving inside him.

Jongin opens his mouth, wants to tell him, wants to speak but can only _wail._

Minseok's eyes darken, sharp "you gonna give it to me?" he asks, rough, fucks harder, their dewy skin clapping together, until Jongin's almost on his lap, withering, toes curling "give it to me," Minseok says and Jongin can't breath, only moan gripping the sheets, unrestrained shameless grinding, he comes trembling on Minseok's cock, all over his stomach, back bowing, tantalizing invitation for more and Minseok thrusts into his fluttering insides, calls him baby, calls him _his_ , calls him beautiful and doesn't stops. Gives him everything, Jongin wraps his hand around his dick and tugs himself dry, indulges, exhilarated for _more_.

"please" Jongin says, greedy for Minseok's release, feels bereft, impossibly gratified too, when he pulls out, tugs the condom off with a shaky hand, groaning.

" _Jonginnie_ " he says, looks up at him, eyelashes damp with sweat, enraptured, contorted face, cheek dragging against Jongin's chest as he jerks off hurried on top of him and Jongin wraps his arms around him, holds him bucking and mewling when he comes, the most alluring sound until he relaxes on top of him. Molds Minseok's shape on top of his and feels finally satisfied.

A feeling, like the sound of the celebratory pop of a champagne bottle, settles in his chest when Minseok lifts his head up from his shoulder, dopey smile, and sighs, so happy.

Jongin doesn't knows he's smiling until his cheeks start hurting.

 

* * *

  
  
Jongin would like to say they do spend every day and every night together. He'd like it if it was possible to spend every single night in Minseok's arms, if it were possible to kiss him every morning.

But it's not. Obviously.

What's both a relief and a concern is that Jongin doesn't feels the compulsion to anymore, he's free of the anxiety of the thought _'what if last night was the last night._ ' He can't even say when it happened.

Sometimes it's not possible, too risky, logistically inconvenient or just physically impossible to be together. And that has become acceptable, part of the agreement and worth it, reality itself a necessary evil, like they've become plump of each others touch, like they've kissed enough to feel the passion without their lips touching, sometimes.

Jongin isn't worried anymore of Minseok ever denying him again, ever, anything; he's not worried about last times, lost opportunities. Jongin is prepared to sneak around forever. He's too aware of what he has, how quickly time goes by.

Finds other things to worry about, worse ones to be negligent about.

 

* * *

 

"I love you" Jongin says, finally, at last. Has to. A broken dam, heart Big Bang, universe exploding in his veins, sweet poison for blood and silk for skin, Minseok's soft index finger tracing designs of stars and suns, supernovas on his forearms all named after him with the droplets of water from the shower.

"I love you" Jongin says in the crepuscular lighting of their room, Minseok's eyes downcast, his mouth pursed in satisfaction and sadness simultaneous and thorough before he kisses him, shuts him up, lingering like the scar of a burn you wont forget.

"Hyung, say it back" Jongin brokenly asks against his mouth, almost begs, knows already but needs to hear and Minseok looks; and looks at him so tender and yearning Jongin feels like a kitten, a winning lottery ticket, a piece of cake, like he's the moon hung on the sky.  

"I love you" Minseok says tremulous, so quietly, so quietly it hurts to hear.

  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
